Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
