you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
well you can't waste a boner
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
