i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
