I wish my penis had an off switch
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
