i was rollin on her like bob the builder
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize