So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
