be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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