there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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