dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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