I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
