so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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