i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
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