Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I touched a dick in church today
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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