An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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