Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
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