I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
