ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
