dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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