I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
