Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize