3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
