I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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