we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
