When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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