WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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