Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
