Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
