Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
