cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Randomize