I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
