yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
