Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
