It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
If I die, sorry about rent.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
