Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
