she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
