Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
My breasts were aching with rage.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
