Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Just puked most of my soul out..
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
