so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
There r osticjed everywhere
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
This baby is an asshole
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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