wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize