I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
