I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
