the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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