I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize