i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
