tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
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