Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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