i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
