I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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