ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize