It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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