12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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