you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
