You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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