I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
