As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize