Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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