Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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