I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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