I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
