So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
