Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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