Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
