Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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