Farmville is her only friend.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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