Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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