He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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