Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
