I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Randomize
