wrigley field is MILF paradise
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
