he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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